Miscarriage - Post ER
Part 2
Needless to say we were completely devastated by the news that the baby Sara carried was not viable, not going to make it. It was hard for me to think of it as a baby. Perhaps for fathers there’s not the same connection. Perhaps we don’t identify with the fetus as being a real living thing. We miscarried at eleven weeks- The creature inside her was not even really human to me. But it was real- The loss was real and the tears and the upset were all very emotionally and physically real for both of us.
One really upsetting aspect of our emergency room care was that the doctor didn’t really do much except interpret blood results and ultrasound details. Of course that is a large part of what doctors do. However, I wanted to at least put some closure on this incident. If you take your car to a mechanic, he usually does more than tell you what’s wrong with it- he fixes it. Sometimes ER docs do too, but in this case, he was there to basically tell us what we already suspected: The material that made up the failed pregnancy was still inside of my wife. The ER doctor told us we would have to follow up with Sara’s OB-GYN. Sara really didn’t have one of those yet because it was still sort of early and she was researching the right provider to meet our needs and her overall birth plan. This is a term guys will get to know very well if your lady gets pregnant.
We were too exhausted that morning to contemplate it all. We make phone calls to our respective employers and families and give them the unhappy news. I have to say that I’m very blessed to have such a great supervisor who was very understanding. It is a lot easier to do the right thing by your wife when you have people who are so supportive of you.
We went home to sleep- she on the couch and I on the floor beside her amid a pile of pillows and blankets. We got in several decent hours of sleep where we were just quiet together. It was good and it gave us a time to connect without really saying anything or being overly upset. After a few hours of much needed rest, Sara attempts to contact a local gynecologist. After a few minutes on the phone and a conversation with what was apparently a very understanding receptionist, they offer to work us in for later on in the afternoon. We decide to head to the appointment after getting ready in the hopes of getting worked in a little earlier.
I am so grateful that they were able to work us in. The place was a madhouse: We opened the door to pregnant women and about a dozen infants and toddlers all milling about the place or crying or begging persistently for something. My nerves started to sizzle immediately. Everything is baby books or the magazine equivalents of Ladies’ Home Journal. No Sports Illustrated, Popular Mechanics, or even a National Geographic. Even in the face of tragedy, I still have the need to read a magazine in a doctor’s waiting room.
Finally we were called back and the nurse took a history. It was hard for us to hold it together. I was fine until Sara started crying and then I lost it. It is also hard seeing her being examined too- Something primal and protective in me being nervous and upset.
A very young doctor entered the exam room and took a history, another pelvic exam, as well as a second ultrasound. There was no space for me to sit close to my wife, so I was seated about 12 feet away from the exam table. It only took him a few seconds to confirm the nightlong ER diagnosis. He was very understanding and matter of fact at the same time. He mentioned that miscarriages are very common and in fact 30-40 percent of women will have a miscarriage sometime in their lives, although they may not realize they have one because it happens so early on.
The problem we had was that Sara’s cervix was not open enough yet to expel the birthing matter. The doctor expressed various options in order to finalize the miscarriage process:
- D and C procedure – a surgery that would suck out the matter. This is the same procedure used in an abortion.
- Drugs – A series of pills produces strong uterine contractions which promotes the explusion of the material
- Wait it out
Sara asked about the advantages and disadvantages of each option. The doctor was pretty ambivalent at first. She asked me what I thought. I told her that I didn’t care but I wouldn’t want her to have any unnecessary surgery. When I asked about the drugs Sara looked at the doctor who then responded by saying, “It’s probably going to be pretty painful.” I was a little shocked because there’s no way I would want her to go through anything painful. What the hell did I know about miscarriages anyway?
Sara decided to go with the D and C. It was a really lucky thing that the doctor was able to schedule the surgery for the very next day because of the hell that was to follow.
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